Berry Punch and the Golden Ale of A Thousand Hangovers
by Purple Butter
Summary: After she discovers she can no longer get drunk, Berry Punch vows to find the most potent alcoholic beverage ever brewed; the Golden Ale of A Thousand Hangovers. But Berry Punch is not the only one interested in the legendary drink and soon she finds a zebra, some psychotic griffons and a secret order as old as Equestria itself all closing in on her and her beloved alcohol.


Berry Punch sighed to herself as she made her way through the thick midwinter snow. It was late at night in Ponyville and, with only one short week to go until Hearth's Warming Eve, Ponyville's streets were playing host to tipsy ponies who wobbled, staggered, quaked, trembled, crawled and, really, any manner of walking that didn't involve being completely upright and would likely get you kicked out of a family reunion or any respectable religious organisation.

Berry Punch sighed again as she felt the first sigh had failed in its duty to relieve her of her general feeling of sadness, frustration and discomfort. A drunk earth pony staggered (some would perhaps argue it was more of a wobble) past Berry Punch and smiled at her as he passed.

The earth pony stopped at a house a little further down the dark and frosty street. He rummaged around in his mane, presumably to retrieve his house key and unlock the warmth of inside. After his raid for the elusive house key proved fruitless, the pony (who, Berry Punch had deduced, had drunk three glasses of red wine, four pints of larger and a cocktail containing bodily fluids) resorted to head butting his front door extremely hard. He flew backwards onto the cold hard ground, vomited all over himself and passed out.

Oh, how Berry Punch longed to join him.

Three streets and four more drunk ponies later, Berry Punch found herself passing through Ponyville's town square. Her home has on the other side of town, but Berry Punch didn't particularly feel like returning there. She and her house hadn't got along ever since it invited the slugs in without her permission. Berry Punch liked house guests as much as the next pony, but it would be nice if they weren't the most disgusting creature ever to slither across Celestia's green earth. It would also be nice not to have to sleep with a circle of salt around the bed.

She was getting distracted. The slugs weren't the problem. Well, they were a problem. A rather large problem, if not in body mass than in disgustingness and ooziness and somehow- getting- into-the-bed -ness. No, the real problem was something else. Something much more troubling.

Berry Punch continued to make her way across the square. As she passed the library, she slipped on an icy patch and, after a display of frantic limb flailing that would have made a juggling centipede proud, fell flat on her face.

"Berry! Hey, Berry!"

Berry Punch pulled her face out of the dirty snow and spat it out in globs. There was a distinct aftertaste of vodka and just a hint of lemon. Someone had split a drink here. Berry Punch smiled sadly and thought of better times.

Whoever had called her name before stood over her and offered a helpful hoof. Berry Punch took it and pulled herself up to a respectable stance again.

"Had a bit to drink, eh? Some things never change." A hearty chuckle followed.

Berry Punch spat out the last stubborn remnant of vodka snow and looked at the speaker. It was dark but she could clearly see the white pegasus with a blonde mane smiling at her. The mare seemed familiar, but Berry Punch was having trouble placing her. Old friend? Long lost relative? Hallucination? The slugs had worked together to create a pony disguise and learn language just to taunt and annoy her further?

The white pegasus must have sensed Berry Punch's confusion. "It's me. Surprise? Remember? From university?"

Ah. Old friend. The least interesting but also least worrying of Berry Punch's guesses.

"Oh. Right." A lot of half-memories of her university days came flooding back into Berry Punch's mind. Most of them involved drinking, the opposite sex, pizza or a miraculous combination of all three. "Hi, Surprise."

"How long has it been since we were drinking buddies? Five years? Ten? It's all a bit of blur!" She chuckled again.

"Yeah," said Berry Punch. "I didn't recognise you without your lips wrapped around a bottle."

Surprise chuckled yet again. "Oh, you're one to talk. So, Berry, what are you doing with your life?"

Oh. _That_ question.

"Oh, the usual. Bowling. Slug removal. Eating. Sleeping. Breathing."

"And drinking of course," Surprise added. She chuckled for a fourth time. Berry Punch was finding it increasingly irritating.

"Ah, no actually. I've given that up."

Surprise's eyes widened in her namesake. "Berry Punch going cold turkey? Never thought I'd see the day." The chuckle was absent this time, for which Berry Punch felt a strange sense of satisfaction.

"It's not like that," Berry Punch said. "I've drank every alcoholic beverage in existence at least ten times. I've been drunk more times than most ponies have had hot meals. There are no mountains left to stagger or wobble over. I just can't get drunk anymore."

There was a brief pause as the two ponies stood in the cold town square.

"How long have you had this problem?" asked Surprise.

"Started early this year. I ignored it at first. Let it fester. And now it's a real problem."

"I'm sorry, Berry. I'm so, so sorry."

Berry Punch sighed again. It still utterly failed to relieve her of her problem. "I've got no one to blame but myself. I'd do anything to get drunk again. Just once more. The wooziness, the headaches, the general feeling that your life is pointless and empty and no one loves you." Berry Punch sighed again, this time dreamily.

"There is one thing…." Surprise pawed the ground nervously.

"Look, Surprise I don't have the guts for suicide so –"

"No, not that. I've come into possession of a map."

"A map?"

"A map."

"A map?"

"A map."

"A map?"

"A map."

"Right. Just wanted to make sure I heard you properly. And where does this map lead to?"

"It is said," Surprise pontificated in a tone that implied she was imparting the wisdom of the ages, "that on the highest peak of the highest mountain, deep within the Everfree Forest, their lives an order of monk ponies who guard the most dangerous and most potent drink ever brewed in this world or the next; the Golden Ale of A Thousand Hangovers."

There was another slight pause.

Then, without warning, Berry Punch shoved one of her fore hooves into Surprise's mane and pulled out an ancient piece of parchment.

"Highest peak, highest mountain, deep in the forest, got it."

Surprise looked like her name with a d on the end. "Wait. You believe me. Just like that? No questions asked?"

"Surprise, if you had told me that I could get drunk again simply by drinking banana daiquiris out of Princess Celestia's navel, I would have believed you. I'm desperate enough. So an ancient order of mountaintop monks guarding a beverage? Why not? Why the hay not?"

Berry Punch unrolled the old piece of parchment. The map was smaller than she was expecting. It was simply a crude drawing of a mountain with the words "go here" scrawled next to it in what looked suspiciously like crayon.

"They had to make it simple enough for drunks to understand," Surprise explained.

Berry Punch contemplated what had just been given to her. A second chance. Her life back. A rubbish map. "Golden Ale of A Thousand Hangovers, eh? I don't really like ale but I'm willing to try anything." A thought occurred to her then. "Surprise, where did you even get this map?"

"Princess Celestia's navel," Surprise said with a wink.

Berry Punch laughed despite herself. "You're right. It doesn't matter. What does matter is I have a chance to be drunk again!" She felt like a filly on Hearth's Warming Eve.

"Consider it a Hearth's Warming present from me," said Surprise with a warm smile.

After a quick hug with Surprise (she smelled faintly of mulled wine), Berry Punch galloped across the square, across Ponyville and into the warmth of her home.

After replenishing the salt circle and peeling the most adventurous slugs off the covers, Berry Punch slipped into her bed. She placed Surprise's map – _her_ map – on the bedside table (which, in better days, had played host to many a bottle and shot glass) and quickly passed into a comfortable sleep; the first comfortable sleep she'd had in months.

She dreamt of sweet lovely alcohol and of Surprise, who, in Berry Punch's dream, was over fifty feet tall and loomed over her like a giant ready to crush an ant. (The giants' long term hatred of ants being well known to even the dimmest of layponies, of course.)

Berry Punch woke with a wet, oozy thing on her cheek. Without even thinking, she peeled the offending slug off and threw it against the bedroom window where it made an immensely satisfying "swack!" noise.

Berry Punch turned over in her bed. The first thing she saw was the map on the bedside table.

Was she really going to do this? Was she really going to go on a potentially dangerous, potentially pointless and definitely time consuming quest for the holy grail of alcoholic beverages?

Yes, she was going to do it. She'd do it for larger and whiskey and vodka and wine and champagne and fruit punch and the daiquiris and all the other valiant drinks that had served her well in years gone by. She'd do it for them.

But mostly for herself.

What was a "holy grail", anyway? Weird phrase.

After the obligatory "shall I get up I probably should but it's so hard" internal debate that had been a part of Berry Punch's mornings for as long as she could remember, the earth pony dragged herself out of bed. Sidestepping any slugs in her path, she retrieved her saddlebags from the closet and began packing essentials for her quest.

Had Berry Punch been a practical and sensible pony, she would have made a checklist to make sure she didn't forget anything important. She didn't make a checklist. She hated checklists. Checklists were for eggheads. Besides, it has to be said, a practical and sensible pony wouldn't have even considered this quest in the first place.

After a great period of consideration which lasted approximately three and a half minutes, Berry Punch decided to pack only the absolute essentials; some slugs to squish whenever she felt frustrated or angry, a dirty magazine for lonely nights, a pen (because you never knew when a pen would come in handy) and a bright red fez she had once won at a country fair whilst drunk. She had actually wanted the sombrero but had pointed at the wrong hat when the carnie pony asked her what prize she wanted. Berry Punch didn't know hats. In fact, she wasn't entirely sure if the hat she was currently struggling to squeeze into her saddlebag even _was_ a fez. In any case, it was a good luck charm, having once saved her life in an incident on a crazy night out involving a microwave and a giant squid.

With her essentials packed, Berry Punch left her home behind. She briefly considered leaving some rent for her landlady. Instead, she scrawled an obscene phrase involving Mrs Pennypincher's mother on the front door (the pen had come in handy sooner than expected) and promptly left for the Everfree Forest.

On her way out of Ponyville, Berry Punch trotted past the earth pony from last night who had head butted his own door. He looked like he wanted nothing better than for his brain to melt out of his ears and spare him anymore pain. Berry Punch grinned from ear to ear. Soon she'd feel that way once again.

Without the aid of a checklist, she'd completely forgotten to pack food and drink.

Berry Punch's quest for the Golden Ale of A Thousand Hangovers was long and dangerous. Her journey from Ponyville to the highest peak of the highest mountain, deep within the Everfree Forest took her just under a year of constant travel. It is a tale for another time. But, before we get to Berry Punch's first meeting with the monks, here are ten facts you probably didn't know about Berry Punch's quest for the Golden Ale of A Thousand Hangovers:

1) She ran out of slugs to squish within the first week.

2) She married Queen Crimbo the Fourteenth of the Reindeer Republic. That was a mistake.

3) She divorced Queen Crimbo the Fourteenth of the Reindeer Republic. That was also a mistake.

4) She lost her pen in a particularly gruesome and blood soaked game of Pictionary.

5) Lord High Emperor Calippo the Almighty of the Forest Elk Empire woke up one morning with Berry Punch's name tattooed on a very private area of his body (elk take great pride in their antlers) Berry Punch denied involved and almost got executed for her trouble.

6) How Berry Punch escaped said execution is a mystery among the elk to this day. One eye witness says she was carried away by a swarm of trained bees. Another eye witness tells him to stop being so stupid those were clearly wasps.

7) She once fell through a rip in time and space and invented the White Russian a few centuries too early. This remains her proudest achievement, although she admits she has no idea where she got the word "Russian" from or what exactly it quite means.

8) She lost her fez to a gust of wind. Uneventful but annoying.

9) Rumour has it she was hired by the Cute and Adorable Kitty Cat Collective to steal the sacred chew toy from the royal citadel of the Barking Mad Dog Democracy. Berry Punch denied having stolen the chew toy. The cats denied having hired her to steal it. The dogs would like their chew toy back please.

10) Even after all this, Berry Punch didn't learn a single thing and completely and utterly failed to grow as a pony.

Eventually, Berry Punch reached the highest peak of the highest mountain, deep within the Everfree Forest and a new chapter of her quest began.


End file.
